sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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