You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
