I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
