no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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