How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
