The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize