Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
