just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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