Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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