Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
