if only i could text you this smell
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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