well I can't set my house on fire every night
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
