K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
