Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
