Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
A+ Viking dick
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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