i wish my penis had a tongue
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Bang-toberfest begins!!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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