Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Randomize