If i could tip my vagina, i would.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize