I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize