Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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