I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize