we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
