I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
