I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I want you more than these girls want KFC
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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