I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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