fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
