My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
