he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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