1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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