o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
