Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
