My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
