youre lurking in front of me
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
