can we get nightvision for the apartment?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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