So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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