I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
