Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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