I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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