why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
