Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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