We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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