Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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