Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
