this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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