Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
