Is it normal to miss your booty call?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
why is half of my head shaved?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
