Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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