I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
