Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
