More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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