She's JV to your varsity
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
