Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
