My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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