I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I can't turn off my feet"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
