i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize