Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
