I showed him my bush... on skype.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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