I hate your face
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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