remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I love you. Go after that dick
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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