Someone shit on the floor
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
they're like a gay fantastic four
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
