Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize