i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
