the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
