Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
