I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
