everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
