a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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