I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
