Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
