I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We have so much sex to catch up on
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
