Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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